A very sad case of tetris fingers

I was sad enough to persevere on to level 32. And that was the biggest accomplishment of my week

ARGH

9:25: arrives at HKU, annoyed at cold reception lady, but sits down to wait for interview, scheduled at 9:40

9:35: mysterious lady walks in. speaks to reception, waits and reads SCMP. (methinks: perhaps a mature applicant for Prince Philip Scholarship?)

9:40: no sign of interview. bored as hell. decides to look intelligent and reads a bit of James Joyce's Dubliners. BIG ASS MISTAKE

9:50: no interview, but Cambridge guy walks out and greets lady into room. I panic as I realise that she IS my imterviewer. Curses quietly abt not bribing her and stuff.

9:58: interview at last. they tell me this is BOTH the PP scholarship interview AND the real Cambridge interview. (was in absolute seizure and was swearing, putting up rude fingers in my mind. but I smile and say "that's fine")

10:05: lady starts asking about JAMES JOYCE. I have only read like 5-6 short stories of his (and not really understanding them), how the heck do I know whether he liked Ireland and religion or not??? why oh why did i pull that bloody book out of my damned backpack? lady starts asking about something else... but the BIOLOGY tutor reveals his love for James Joyce and starts asking hard questions about him again. was in absolute despair.

10:25 shaken, exits interview room with fake big smile and broken bunch of nerves.

11:15 got home, started screaming and calling my dad to bitch. i swear he's bemused, not sympathetic

oh God i'm so pissed. My strengths were Romantic poetry, Woolf, Dickens, but NO they had to talk about Eliot, Williams and Joyce. and whether i read French literature in French or not (of course I don't you highly accomplished Maths/Biology tutors who know about French + English literature)

biology tutors are evil. and so is james joyce. (why didn't I bring something like Keats' poetry in or something?!)

Jardine Scholarship 2nd Round:  28/11   2:30pm

Prince Philip Scholarship: 1/12   9:40am

Cambridge Interview: no idea. probably don't have one.

which means that the efforts put into applying for the two scholarships above may have been in vain. my life is quite sad: I have to switch personalities in between these few days, and look all positive and assertive in one, and nerdy, poetry buff in another.

but my self-esteem was entirely destroyed in the matter of minutes today (AMT knows why, I suspect), so I really don't have a chance.

how the hell do you answer questions like "What are your weaknesses?". The point of an interview is to conceal them, not tell the ppl you are slothful, greedy and arrogant, surely?

Currently Reading Great Expectations (Penguin Classics) By Charles Dickens see related

My new goal in writing: to write sparingly, to convey the fullest of meaning in the most condensed form, stripping away the redundant waffle and fleshing out the ideas, the spirit, the essence.

whoops. fell into my own trap. what I rrly mean: no more bullshit.

I'm sounding pompous (don't I always?), but reading Dickens has made me think. (Oh the irony of being pompous and snobbish in the course of reading the pomposity and snobbishness of Pip :D) Of issues of identity and future expectations. yes i know this sounds beyond gay, but it's true. I dunno why, but I'm starting to feel scared about all that kind of being independent, going to uni thing in like around 1 year's time. At the end of the day, I'd really hate to leave my parents and family and the no housework life. And I don't like the prospect of the process of having to adapt and re-establish one's identity in a foreign environment, and not to mention having to suck the marrow out of knowledge.

Sometimes I'd prefer it if life was a bit more fantastical and childish even. I'd very much rather brandish a 500 year old sword of unbelievable anti-rust and anti-corroding qualities, acquire a handsome dark horse, ride away into the  mountains somewhere in the deepest heart of China,  forever live as a hermit, remain as a mystery to the martial arts world, and somehow survive without money, electricity, entertainment or company (apart from my lone sword and loyal horse). oh and keep hygienic and healthy, with superhuman abilities such as fly over tree tops and cause tsunami-like waves when i hit the water. for amusement, I might practice Chinese calligraphy and painting, not to mention some poetry. And somehow, I'd always wear white. yeah impeccably white, with no worries of stain, dirt or PMS even though I live in a Tarzan setting.

re-reading that, that really destroys every ounce of credibility I have as a person with rational thought. But oh well, that what martial arts obsession brings. i'd literally give my arm for that. (then I'll be the one-armed swordsperson. woohoo.) I hope that sounds like a post-modern, self-indulgent, mocking oneself kind of manifestation. Otherwise, fine, I'm an utter idiot.

(the truth is, I was just bored)

Currently Reading Waiting for Godot: A Tragicomedy in Two Acts By Samuel Beckett see related

an unsettling thought struck me. i'm actually guilty of the seven deadly sins.

1. pride- certain degree of that, much as i want to deny it.

2. gluttony- totally. i constantly crave food.

3. sloth- completely and utterly. laziness dictates my life

4. envy- yeah it's true coz i envy rich, smart, pretty, lucky people who don't deserve what they get. and those who deserve it.

5. wrath- yeah i'm stressy and pissy so yep it counts

6. greed- yeah i'm greedy for food. and material possessions. and earthly attachments.

7. lust- well not really unless u count feverent admiration for certain martial arts movies actors.

i've no idea why i did all that. i suppose it proves i'm slothful and vain- i vye for attention. that's it. i'm an attention-seeking, lazy, cynical piece of shit who has no redeemable virtue.

isn't it nice when u feel like u have such a high self-esteem for urself?